07/06/07
Blueberry
The wafer-thin needle pierced the delicate, glassily tinted skin with a soft
'Splut'.
The forest of metallic structures swayed in the harsh harsh wind. Anticipation, and maybe elation, filled the man on the mission. Slowly, deliberately, curling coils ascended the needle's steep gradient. Double helix; providing a fix for a generation. A generation in need of sensation, after the dulling taste of white bread and paste. A generation in a world where grease floods the taste buds...
Globalisation corrupts.
Back to the man. His glowing, artificial, slightly russet tan is an unnatural shade in the silvery metal shimmer around him. Clear swirling liquid releases his taut tension. He could have failed. He could have been jailed. The penalty for living in 1984 is ever so pre-eminently sore.
The sample cascaded down the complex machinery. Groaning, it burst into life.
Blueberry upon blueberry, churned out to the masses. The tangy, sharp daggers of violet hue stabbing, ripping, and tearing too, at sensitive American mouths. Turgid eyes stared in shock at its
intense violet and magenta colour. Undulating waves of blue blended into the patchy, podgy mishmash so well known to those who gaze upon the Moon's rugged
And patchy
Podgy mishmash
Of silver
colour.
“Blueberry.”
We had to write a poem describing a fruit. Needless to say, I did not want to stick to the template and created this strange and slightly psychedelic piece of flowing weirdness. The 'penalty' bit is referring (perhaps incorrectly) to Orwell's '1984', something I haven't read yet, but want to.
1 comment:
Um, I'll go by paragraphs!
I think the first line is too wordy. Maybe drop the "glassyily tinted", it sounds weird anyway. How can something be tinted glass? A tint is a shade of a color.
I don't like the repetition of "harsh" in the second line. Try to find a different adjective, or drop the second one all together. I feel like all the sentences in this paragraph don't really flow well together, they're choppy. However I do like this line: "A generation in need of sensation, after the dulling taste of white bread and paste."
"His glowing, artificial, slightly russet tan is an unnatural shade in the silvery metal shimmer around him." The list description is awkward here, try to find a different way to convey it. I don't think you need to say "unnatural shade", that seems a little obvious. Maybe something like "His glowing, slightly russet tan seems artificial in the silvery...etc". Again, try to vary with the sentence lengths, they aren't flowing well.
This: "The tangy, sharp daggers of violet hue stabbing, ripping, and tearing too" sounds amazing. Might be punctuation issues after "hue". Not sure.
"Unduling waves..." all the way up to the end is redundant, I don't know if that was what you were going for but I'm not sure if I care for it.
I like this, though. I think you're just trying to shove in as many adjectives as you can and you're doing it in an awkward way. Keep writing.
I'm tango_delfuego on neopets, if you wanna talk. ;D
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